27/04/2009, Monday : Huh!

Its hot and sweaty. I have a fan above me and one pedestal fan blowing air all over the room, looking like an agape child left in hinterland, looking all over the place. I feel sick and lonely, and have a tearing headache. Despite of being in a terrible need of both the fans to cool my more than average body surface area, the irritating sound made by the table fan pisses me off and I switch it off. The headache is killing me. I suddenly feel like tearing my hair apart, and for once I decide to follow my heart. After a few seconds of tugging at them (hair), when I finally give up my futile efforts, i see a couple of crushed LGBs (light grey bugs/bastards, your pick) on one arm and a mosquito on the other. God I hate this place!!!

On second thought, I don't.

This place is all that I have achieved so far in my life. There is no other accomplishment in my life except for having cleared that Goddammed exam.

People are hypocrites. I have always been chubby, but while as a kid, I was called cute because of it. now people come up to me with all sorts of tips about losing weight. Damn those Ageists.

Spent the whole evening with a bunch of old friends. Discussed the love story of one of them at length. Watched his Girlfriend's pictures. Saw the gifts she has given to him. I am happy for him. And jealous. And a little deprived. Above all I feel useless. I really believed I could not experience so many emotions at the same time. Guess I was wrong.

And yes, I would like some cheese with that whine.

Hmmm

I looked at her. She looked at me. She smiled. I don’t know how, but she did. I tried to seem cool. Unperturbed. Relaxed. Convinced. Calm. HAPPY.

I had been standing for 24 hours before that. In a train. General compartment. I was tired, exhausted and hungry. And I felt this is the worst one could possibly feel. But as soon as I saw her there, in that condition, I understood that there is a feeling which hurts far more than all this – helplessness.

There she was. Almost whole body wrapped in plaster. Jaw supported by a frame. Messy hair. Dried lips. But still, smiling. How? I still don’t know. Why? Because I was there.

2 hours. I sat there, right beside her. She stayed silent, while I chose to continuously blab about something or the other. Telling her that she is gonna be ok. Telling her that I was totally ok. Not at all shaken. But she knew lying doesn’t come easily to me.

Two hours was all that time allowed me. Boarded another train. Got a place to sit beside the lavatory this time. Another 24 hours. Man! I hate journeys. But this one did not bother me. Not because I was too happy, but because I was too sad to bother. Something told me that day, that it could be the last time I had met her. How I wish I was wrong!

That was two years ago. And two years is supposed to be quite a long time.

Well, not long enough, it seems.

07/06/08, Saturday: American Television will never let me hook up

Hmmm... the traumatized soul is back for good, guys...

Since I wrote the last post (dated 30th January, a date that hold vital importance in my life), a lot of things have changed except for the soul and the trauma. But all that is passe now, and the blog is just about the daily ramblings anyway, so lets continue with that.

I have been friends with a lot of girls in my life. Many of them told me that any girl would be lucky to have me (in my defense, I always managed to prove them wrong.). But they could never explain why I haven't hooked up yet. Thanks to Kyle XY and another series (I just can't seen to remember the name as of now), I now have the answer.

To elucidate, lets take this dialog between Steven Tregar and his son Josh Tregar, just before Josh is about to leave for his entry in the great life-long game of dating (ergo his first date).

Steven: So, excited, huh? I remember my first time.
Josh: Dad! Gross!!!
Steven: I meant my first date, Josh. (Exchange of glances) It was with Flora McDonell, the girl with daisy dukes and tulip smell.
Josh: Despite further mental images that I will have to purge, tell me- how'd it go?
Steven: Well, inconsequential. Nothing happened of it.
Josh: Why?
Steven: There was.. there was no tap. (Pauses) But when I first went out with your mom I...
Josh: (Interrupting) Whoa! Define tap first!!!
Steven: The feet!
Josh: Oh!!!
Steven: When I first took your mom out, there was this excitement, and my feet just could not stop tapping!!! This made me knew she was it.

Yes, yes. I shall wait while the girls get done with their 'Awwwwwwww's and "How sweet"s, and the guys finish saying things like "This Traumatized soul is a real wuss" and other such stuff.

Yes, I understand that it is indeed a very sweet way to explain this. But as soon as I start tapping, I realise that whole my body is moving. The flab sure is a pain in the hook-up. The guys who know me know that I have 12 sides. Tapping is not my game. No can't do Omigo!!!

There was another series that connected the feelings inside us to the colours we start using in our paintings. Painting is another form of art that I suck at, though paints is something I used to love. Now a days, I am developing paints. Not so much fun anymore.

Same shortcomings are apparent in an otherwise Godly guy called S.V., whom we all know so well. But these days, something seems to be up with him. The chain of developments keep me assured that he will develop the balls to ask a girl out someday, will get married, have kids and have good life, contrary to my case.

Just so you know, both of us have a deal so that our kids don't have to face this problem. We will hook them up in their childhood. Atleast that's what the plan is. But with his superior gene pool and his ever-increasing tendency to ditch me, I guess he is gonna blow this one too. So I am coming up with a written contract. Will get it signed in his blood :P

The rest of the day has been pretty usual, except for a fully grown girl sitting in my room cuz the lunch tiffin was late, and crying "Mujhe roti khaani hai!!!", and continuing to howl till i actually ordered stuff for her. A good company is worth a million Bucks... and I guess Murphy will never leave me alone :(

Chalo... kal milte hain. Not a good post, I know, but you have to start somewhere. Restart somewhere, in my case.

Wednesday, 30/01/2008: A lesson learnt

The past few days have really had their toll on me. And for nothing that I was in, but for things that my friends were in. But recent incidents have taught me that there are a very few people who need me, and even fewer whom I need. I just probably needed to figure out who was who. So it's just a very selected pack now, others will ask for me whenever they need me anyway. Thanks to some very dear friends who put the final nail in the coffin for me.

And for the readers who mailed me from Singapore and HongKong... guys, sorry for not having been able to come up with anything humourous for quite a long time now, but I assure you, things will change pretty soon.

Just one question that I have in my mind now... Yeh stud kaise bante hain yaar???

Sunday, 27/01/2008... This feeling inside me

My head aches. My ears are still paining from the ordeal that I have been through moments ago. I feel tired like never before. My body is refusing to keep up to my daily routine, and the lag is increasing with each passing day. But what is more surprising is that all this is not what is making my friends ask questions about my unnaturally somber mood today. It is the whirlpool of thoughts that is drowning me. It is this feeling of having become a complete loser who wants but one thing in the whole wide world, but despite of yearning for it day and night, can never have it. And wishes to wait for it his entire life, however little of it might be remaining, knowing fully well that the wait is completely not worth it.

Such is the life that I chose for me. My choice, my decisions, and the outcome mine too.

And hence there is no regret... atleast no complaints. Just a single wish... Alas! If only had I been good enough!

I wonder... how long before I crumble?

Let's just wait and watch.

Btw, My comeback post :)

महा केला

(Best viewed on Microsoft Internet Explorer... sorry for making you guys commit this sin of using IE)
(इस कविता का सम्पूर्ण रस लेने हेतु श्री हरिवंश राय बच्चन साहब के महाकाव्य मधुशाला को अपने मन में रखें) (गूगल rocks)
(For non-kgpians, it just enough to know that केला होना == getting into unexpected and undesirable circumstances) (in a very broad sense though)

दुनिया भर के केलों की है आज बनाई यह माला,
जिसको पढ़ कर हाय करेगा आज हरेक पढने वाला,
ये केले मैंने देखे हैं, जग कहाँ समझ पायेगा,
केले का तो दर्द जानता है केला सहने वाला...

कटु अनुभवों की स्मृति में जाग उठता कभी केला,
कभी-कभी तो यूं लगता है, जीवन केले का मेला,
जिस पर बीते वो रोता है, जो देखे हँसता जाता है,
समझ ना आता है, केला है या है केले का ठेला...

काम ही करने को हर्षित हो घर से चले करने वाला,
सामने आ जाता है पर, केलों से भरा गन्दा नाला,
आलस तन में है इतना कि काम करें कुछ, मन ही नहीं,
और करें तो बीच में आ जाता है ये केला साला...

दुनिया में हैं राहें कई, जिस राह चले चलने वाला,
सच तो है यही, हर राह में है उसका ही दिल जलने वाला,
जीवन में शाश्वत कुछ भी नहीं, सच है जो कुछ तो इतना है,
हर राह में है हर सज्जन को कोई केला मिलने वाला...

सफल कार्य की इच्छा ही जब बन जाये जीवन-माला,
जीवन में सुख की जब तलाश में निकल पडे चलने वाला,
यह ज्ञान नहीं कहाँ जाएगा, कुछ तय भी नहीं क्या पायेगा,
तय यह है, मिलना है तब भी एक सडा केला काला...

उम्मीद ही है जिसने जीवन भर निराशाओं को है टाला,
उम्मीद का ही दम भरता है हर काम में जय करने वाला,
उम्मीद से जीवन चलता है, उम्मीद से दुनिया चलती है,
उम्मीद यही है, पाऊँ कोई एक राह बिना केले वाला...

मैं KGPian, कुलोध्भव (legacy) मेरे सीनियर ने ऐसा डाला,
मेरे शरीर में भी होनी थी कुछ सत्तर प्रतिशत हाला (शराब),
हाला से ही मैंने तौबा की, जो ना करता तो खुश होता,
कुछ तो मिल जाता हर रोज़ के केलों से लड़ने वाला...

आज के जग में जी नहीं सकता सब का भला करने वाला,
जो जी भी ले तो खुश तो रहने ही ना देगा कोई जग वाला,
मेरी बात मान तो अब से तू भी सहना छोड़ इन्हें,
केले से डरना छोड़, तू ही बन जा केला करने वाला...

केले से डरना छोड़, तू ही बन जा केला करने वाला...

02/10/2007 - Brainfagged...

(Note: Please do not sit with any sharp or heavy object within your reach while reading this post. Your exasperation after reading it might make you hurt someone, or, better still, yourself :P )

Hell. This was an arbitrary day. Come to think of it, the whole life is pretty arbitrary. It's us human beings who constantly keep trying to make sense out of this non-sense. This fact sometimes defeats the very reason why I made this blog: to make people how an IITian in general and a KGPian in particular lives. But since each post on this blog starts with something meaningful (usually), and ends properly (generally) with a lot of well-defined (Crappy and useless, but well-defined nonetheless) stuff in-between, I can't call it arbitrary. I can't write arbitrary stuff. Man... that kills me!!!

Anyway, who cares?

WHO CARES?

India just won the T-20 world cup after defeating Pakistan in the finals. Pakistan seems to be the hub of terrorism. So does Afghanistan, what with all the Osama Bin Ladens (Ok, not Ladens, but just the one that exists is good enough to make the Americans shit green all over their pants.). Americans, as my friend VS (this girl lives in USA) puts it, has brains the size of an average Indian male's nut-sack (don't frown at the owner of the blog, yours truly is just quoting what the lady said) . But the Germans are really intelligent people I believe. Germany is the home to the world's best beer companies and the best mathematics researches. I like mathematics though, but I hate Germany: too many freaking taxes there. This neutralizes my viewpoint for German mathematicians. One person who hated mathematicians was Alfred Nobel, probably because his wife perhaps eloped with a mathematician. Nobel prizes promote a noble cause of helping the progress of mankind in chosen fields. It is also awarded in the field of literature. So you can actually get a Nobel for writing a noble and novel novel. I don't like novels much though. Actually I am not patient enough to sit down and read a 500 pages-long piece of literature. But patient people form a very important part of the society, because it's the patients who provide a means of livelihood to all the people associated with the medical industry, including the doctors, nurses and the people managing the hospitals. Hospitality industry derives it's name from hospital, but they are both totally different. Hospitality industry is related to hotels. Hotels are those places where we live when we go out of town, and have no place to reside. An alternative definition for hotels is a place where people go when they get into adultery with beautiful women (This will never be a reason for me... beautiful women and I fall into different genders of different species). Most of the hotels these days have restaurants. When I was a kid, we basically went to restaurants only on some occasions, or the rare times when mom fell sick and could not cook for us. Mom cooked and did a lot of other stuff for us because she cares. Mom cares.

That's it. MOM CARES.

I now have the answer to the very basic question that I raised before I started my explanation (i.e. before the last paragraph started... scroll up to find out).

I now have the answer to the nature, universe and everything around us.

Though some people would say that the answer to this question is 42 (not so arbit this one.. read hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy and you'll know), but I really don't care.

After all, who cares??? :D

(So much to prove that this place makes you think really arbitrary stuff.)

Anyway, this is all from me for now.

Wish you a very Happy Holi and a Merry Christmas.

(I know what you are thinking. Holi and Christmas in October? Well, I have a rock solid reason for writing so.
The reason is that Deepika Padukone looks hot.)